Forgiveness
I once heard a sermon that really stuck with me. It was all about forgiving even when the other person hasn't asked for it...kind of like secret forgiveness. As an adult, I kind of miss the childhood "I'm sorry" situations where an outside party forced those who wronged us to apologize and "mean it." Maybe this was just me, but rarely did adults let me or those who wronged me get away with the gruff and clearly insincere "I'm sorry" followed by an angry smirk. I remember one time my mom decided the best way to get my sister and me to really be sorry was to stick us in the same room until we apologized to each other. She's lucky this worked out as well as it did. It's surprising that we didn't walk out of the room missing chunks of our hair or a tooth. But as a child, I think my sense of justice was formed by this--that when I was hurt, the person was called out and forced to make amends, and I was required to do the same.
Of course as I got older, I had to learn the hard lesson of forgiving bigger hurts than simply having the head of my Barbie doll ripped off. But regardless of the offense, I think I grew up believing that forgiveness was something that was earned--that one had to be not just sorry, but really, really sorry. And they might even have to suffer for a certain amount of time while I decided if I wanted to forgive them. The problem with that, is that forgiveness is seen as a commodity that the injured party can use as he/she chooses. But more than that, it is assumed that those who hurt us will always seek forgiveness. As an adult, I can now see that sometimes those people are either unaware of the injury, or worst of all, don't care. To completely oversimplify the situation, for example, the BMW convertible that clearly disregarded the crosswalk sign and then honked at me for being in his way as he sped by me the other day in no way thought he needed my forgiveness. I thought of many things he needed--none of them positive.
I think it's interesting because, as a teacher, I can require that my students apologize to me or their classmates when they are in the wrong, but they rarely mean it and that annoys me even more. I have to constantly choose to hold them to a high standard of behavior without holding a grudge for the things they say and to do to me when they don't like my expectations. But they are teenagers. Even under the best of circumstances they are required to roll their eyes and sigh dramatically at least three times a day. :)
But what about the big stuff--the situations in which you can't just chalk it up to teenage hormones? I think this pastor's sermon struck me because he said something I've known for a while but kind of dismissed as a cliche--waiting around for someone to apologize is a waste of time. As I think of exactly what I will say when he/she asks for forgiveness and formulate the perfect speech, I'm missing out on time I could be doing something else. The emotional energy and hope spent waiting for the day when the person finally sees the light and gets it could be so much more wisely invested in the people around me who actually care. Because let's be honest--most people that we wait to forgive either have no idea we are holding on to that, or worst of all--don't care. So yeah--learning to forgive and move on isn't so much about learning to be selfless...it's really more about self-preservation...it's about using my time and energy more effectively. And I have to remind myself of that.
Of course as I got older, I had to learn the hard lesson of forgiving bigger hurts than simply having the head of my Barbie doll ripped off. But regardless of the offense, I think I grew up believing that forgiveness was something that was earned--that one had to be not just sorry, but really, really sorry. And they might even have to suffer for a certain amount of time while I decided if I wanted to forgive them. The problem with that, is that forgiveness is seen as a commodity that the injured party can use as he/she chooses. But more than that, it is assumed that those who hurt us will always seek forgiveness. As an adult, I can now see that sometimes those people are either unaware of the injury, or worst of all, don't care. To completely oversimplify the situation, for example, the BMW convertible that clearly disregarded the crosswalk sign and then honked at me for being in his way as he sped by me the other day in no way thought he needed my forgiveness. I thought of many things he needed--none of them positive.
I think it's interesting because, as a teacher, I can require that my students apologize to me or their classmates when they are in the wrong, but they rarely mean it and that annoys me even more. I have to constantly choose to hold them to a high standard of behavior without holding a grudge for the things they say and to do to me when they don't like my expectations. But they are teenagers. Even under the best of circumstances they are required to roll their eyes and sigh dramatically at least three times a day. :)
But what about the big stuff--the situations in which you can't just chalk it up to teenage hormones? I think this pastor's sermon struck me because he said something I've known for a while but kind of dismissed as a cliche--waiting around for someone to apologize is a waste of time. As I think of exactly what I will say when he/she asks for forgiveness and formulate the perfect speech, I'm missing out on time I could be doing something else. The emotional energy and hope spent waiting for the day when the person finally sees the light and gets it could be so much more wisely invested in the people around me who actually care. Because let's be honest--most people that we wait to forgive either have no idea we are holding on to that, or worst of all--don't care. So yeah--learning to forgive and move on isn't so much about learning to be selfless...it's really more about self-preservation...it's about using my time and energy more effectively. And I have to remind myself of that.
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