Some thoughts on Set-ups

 I recently heard a podcast about being set up. I loved it. I loved hearing a single woman explaining to her married friend that she likes being set up. And it was helpful for me to hear a married person explaining why he had been hesitant to set up his friends. It was the kind of honest conversation I think more of us should probably have. In another post, I'll have to write about my hope for the church to become less a set of silos and more of an integrated body. But for today, let's just talk about dating. 

This podcast was a good reminder of how many times I've thought that I need to be more proactive when it comes to my dating life. It also reminded me of the multiple times I've thought that I needed to be more outspoken about my willingness to be set up, and how all of those times I've either gotten busy and not done it, or didn't know how to bring up the subject. I loved listening to such an honest conversation about setting people up, and it made me want to add my voice to the conversation. So, with no particularly witty approach, I thought I would talk about why I'm "pro-set-up" in hopes it might encourage more singles to talk about this with friends--particularly married friends. I'm also hoping this might inspire more married people to have the awkward conversation with their single friends. 

So, in no particular order, here are my thoughts:  

1. I like being asked if I would be up for a set-up. It lets me know people are thinking about me, gives me a chance to wade into the dating pool without having swipe and hope for the best, and it makes me feel honored that someone would trust me enough to introduce me to their friends. For me, it's all positives. I don't assume the person thinks I'm desperate or thinks I can't find someone on my own. It's a shortcut to finding a potential dating option.  

2. My past experiences with set-ups have been mixed, but I've had a few really good experiences. To me, it's worth the risk IF the person setting me up with trustworthy. If my options are to let an app set me up or a friend who has known me for a while, why not let the friend give it a try? I also think there is some good accountability built in to dating people that know people in your community. Even if your own moral compass didn't dictate that you be kind and thoughtful to someone in a dating situation, knowing you might see them around or they might tell your friends about your behavior gives an extra push to be a thoughtful date.  

3. And finally, let's be honest--I just don't meet that many new people at this point. I did just recently join a new church, so there might be someone there, but generally, I know my coworkers, my friends, and the people in my church's circles. In my age group, people just aren't moving into town that often. If I'm serious about meeting someone, I have to be open to paths that I might have avoided earlier. 

But I do think there are some important boundaries when it comes to blind dates.

1. Single people feel really differently about this, so it's a good idea to ask. As the linked podcast mentions, some single people feel overlooked because their friends don't set them up, and some single people have been burned by bad blind dates and are really opposed to it. I think it would be AWESOME if we just took a quick minute and had this conversation with friends. If you are single--think about letting friends know if you are up for being set up, and if you are married--ask your single friends about how open they are to meeting people. I should probably say the same to single people--set up your friends! (But I feel like we already do this when we can!) 

2. If you are hoping to set someone up, pause for a minute and make sure you have a clear reason why you want these two people to meet. I think some singles are hesitant to be set up because in the past people have set them up haphazardly. Be ready to give your reasoning for thinking two people would get along. It shouldn't just be because they are the only single people you know or they are both from the same state! 

And single people--think about what is on your must list (faith, desire to have kids, etc.) vs. what is just something you would prefer (sports fan, reader, etc.). I can think of at least three of the happiest couples I know who originally didn't think they were compatible, so think about taking a chance and meeting someone--even if it doesn't seem like your "type".  I love what Annie says in the podcast about how so many of the things people assume are on other people's "no" list are things that can be sorted out after you meet. Instead of ruling people out, assume if those things on your preference list really are a problem, that will show itself over time. And you might be surprised by how different, yet compatible, people can be. Once again--I'm not talking about things like a shared faith or a work ethic. I'm talking about similarities. If nothing else, maybe you'll meet someone who might be great for a friend of yours or might be a great addition to your friend group. 

3. All involved parties--approach set-ups with care, but don't weigh it down with intensity it doesn't deserve. It's just coffee, or an invite to a dinner party, or a group outing. If you are the arranger, don't feel like you have to be able to imagine the couple walking down the aisle in order to introduce them, and if you are being asked about a date, don't feel like a lot is riding on this one meeting. I think (especially in the Christian dating world) we could really benefit from lightening up and just taking opportunities to meet new people without thinking everything surrounding dating has to be a big deal. 

So there are my thoughts! More dating! More set-ups! More meeting new people!